I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize
