The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
