I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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