that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
