Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
