So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Are my feet made of real feet?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
