I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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