I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
