I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
