So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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