I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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