My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
You've changed since you got that strap on
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
