I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
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