Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
