what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
