I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize