you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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