I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Randomize
