im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
