I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Randomize
