True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
