I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
