I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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