please come you make the beer taste better
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
