I saw his package. It spoke to me.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
