It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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