You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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