Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize