knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
