someone threw a dead crab at me
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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