I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
