it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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