You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
