I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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