I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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