How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
