It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
