I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Randomize
