she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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