I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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