I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
