im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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