youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
