I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize