I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I FOUND THE LEGS
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
