I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
