My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize