he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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