her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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