When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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