Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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