Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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