I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I think I have vodka in my lungs
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
