My nipple is on Facebook.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I can't put those talents on a resume
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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