Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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