I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
