when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I've blown a few things in my day
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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