His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
