I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
this just has baby written all over it
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
