Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
