I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
