I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
