Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize